Weekend

This weekend something unexpected happened. 

      I was invited to spend the weekend at the beach house of a friend. A friend I hadn't seen in more than a year. 

      I reality, we had so much time without seeing and talking to each other that I even doubted we were still friends. 

      I was doubting between going or not, but because she had invited another friend we had in common so that made me feel calmer. When I got to the the meeting point I was told that our friend in common wasn't going to go. That made me very nervous. His presence, in a way, had made me feel calmer, because I didn't feel like I had to be starting conversations every time. But I was there, at the meeting point, and it was too late to cancel my attendance. 

     I'm not gonna lie. I did something I shouldn't have done. I took two more pills for anxiety than the prescribed by my doctor. 

     After a one hour ride we where there. By that time, it was only the family of this "friend" and me. But after awhile more people started to arrive. 

    I didn't know that more people was going to be there. I started getting even more nervous. Five boys that looked about my age had arrived, I didn't know any of them. After a while another family arrived. This time I didn't know one of the girls who came with that family, she is my age, but I'm not fond of her. 

     I admit it, I did another thing I shouldn't have done, especially not when I was taking meds for my anxiety and depression. I took four shots of tequila. Because I had had dinner already, that quantity wasn't enough to get me very intoxicated, but it was enough to get me to relax. So much that I got sleepy.

     That was the reason why I fell asleep at midnight, meanwhile the rest of the people at the beach house went to sleep until four am. 

     The next day, I woke up with a strong headache. I felt very bad, I hadn't sleep very well, I don't like sleeping in beds that aren't mine and I felt exposed being in a bed in the same room as many other people. 

     After spending the weekend with this friend I think I shouldn't have judged the relationship I had with this friend. I shouldn't have doubted of our friendship. It's still intact after all this time. Now I value her friendship even more. 

Psychiatrist

      Three years ago I started going to a psychiatrist. Even though that first time I didn't receive a constant treatment, he didn't inspired me confidence and his office was in an old asylum and that kind of freaked me out. 

      After that experience, I moved to a different city, but not only city, I moved to a different country in a different continent. I felt that if I moved far away enough from the place I had many problems in everything would be different. I wanted to start a new life. To be a new person. Change my name and appearance and start over. 

      All of that wasn't enough. I couldn't make it. The ghosts of my past were still there with me like before, or even worse. I started feeling suicidal. I lived in a fourth floor. Every time that I looked out my window I thought how easy it would be to just let myself drop and end everything. Once day I almost did it. That scared me to the core so I went to consult a psychiatrist. 

      I met the second psychiatrist in Spain. He inspired a lot of confidence, he reminded me of my deceased grandfather, he told me I needed to take a bunch of pills and to start going to therapy. The therapy I received were with a different doctor. I don't think those therapies helped in any way. Still, I went for over six months. 

      I left the treatment with these doctors because I felt like my country was calling me, I needed to be in peace with my hometown and with my family. I hadn't accomplish my wish to start a new life in Spain and I felt alone. I didn't know and still don't know who I am, so in the meantime I took the decision to move back home. 

Welcome!!

Hello everyone! 

      Thank you for visiting my blog! This is the first time that I'll try to write here constantly. 

I'm not a professional writer, nor a philosopher and I'm not very good at expressing with words; still I'm going to try to write to express myself, to get something off my chest and to connect with everyone who is interesting in reading this. 

I hope that through my experiences someone could get to learn something or feel the support that I sometimes lacked of and also, do not doubt to contact me if you want or need someone to talk to, I'll always be here.